what I have learned.....about myself

These next few posts are going to be a bit of a series. I'm trying to sum up my experiences here so I can leave with some recollection of what I've accomplished. Or at least something sentimental, emotional, and all that. So part I, below, is covering what I think I've learned about myself.  Deep, huh?

This is also a continuing part of my "think positive!" campaign, as work has not been a totally positive experience. There have been times when I wanted to just leave, and a large part of it wasn't anybody's fault. It was just that when there isn't enough business to keep one person busy, what do four people do? It was getting to the point where I started trying to work more slowly so that I would be bored less. And "slow" is never a compliment in the kitchen unless you're braising a piece of meat. There was also a passive-aggressive waitress who didn't like me. But I want to leave on a high note, and I don't think that I'm forcing myself to make a silver lining, but rather am just trying to remember the good times.

I've learned a little more about my problems with authority, and at the end of the day they're connected to my problems in dealing with incompetence. Because you see, most authority *is* incompetent. Clearly these problems are interconnected, and at work especially I have learned a lot about how incompetent authority can rub me the wrong way. While some things with Susanna got better, some didn't. A large part of the problem was just that I didn't have any standing instructions, which meant that at the end of almost every task I did for the restaurant I was left waiting. Once I was left alone in the kitchen for about twenty minutes with absolutely no clue where everyone else had gone, what I was supposed to be doing, and nothing to accomplish. So what could I do but stand there and wait? Not the best use of my time. But I was trying to be positive......oops. So I've learned more about my problems with authority, and how I bridle at it. It just aggravates me and I feel frustrated. I need to start accepting people in authority positions, listen better, and put my head down to work.

Additionally, slowing things down for me isn't good. I've begun to notice that even when I'm trying to work quickly, I'm not particularly fast. I would much rather get things done right, and my skills aren't up to the level they should be so that I can move quickly. I like to be precise, to get the cuts just square, to butcher the meats in such a way that I get the best possible cuts, but sometimes something just needs to get done, and I need to learn how to turn off the perfectionist switch so I can just do it.

The irony is that I actually enjoy tweaking and experimenting with things, and furthermore that I am horrible at doing anything with any sort of exactitude. I despise measuring. This makes me wonder in some ways what I'm a perfectionist at, and I think it might just be my knife cuts. Which, at the end of the day isn't too surprising to me. I've always known that I'm not the best baker because of how much I despise measuring, though I think I'm learning more about how to bake without measuring things, which is definitely making me think that I actually do like baking things. To the point where if I was producing interesting things I don't think I would mind working on pastry. I still prefer doing savory things, but I'm definitely becoming more interested in the other side. Speaking of which, if anyone has an idea on how to make something crunchy and very strongly olive oil flavored for a dessert, I tried the other day and failed miserably, and have yet to think of a new way to make this happen. I think it might require some heavy molecular gastronomy, but I'm not sure.....

Anyway I'm finding all this introspection to be quite tiring, and so I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is my last day of work, and then I'll be heading into the sunset! Yay!